Let me tell you why we're burning up. It's global warming.
The hole in the ozone is directly above my head.
The hole is in your head.
- Barfbag. - What you doin'?
This ain't funny. Stop playin'. Get back, Barfbag.
- What are you doin'? - Barfbag, deal with it, baby.
Barfbag!
All my life, I seemed to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.
My grandpa, Stanley Yelnats ll,
said it's all because of this 150-year-old curse.
I don't really believe in the family curse but, when things go wrong,
it helps ifyou can blame it on something.
And, for me, things went wrong a lot.
Jeez.
Grandpa says our destiny is sealed.
Could a pair of shoes falling from the sky really be part of my destiny?
Come here, boy.
- Did you steal those shoes? - I didn't do anything.
- What's your name? - Stanley Yelnats lV.
My father, Stanley Yelnats lll, is an inventor.
For the last few years, he's been trying to find a cure for foot odour.
I'm glad you're here. This whole floor smells like stinky feet.
What did you do to my Stanley?
Don't freak out. It's a bruise.
Can I just say this is a big mistake?
Don't say nothin' until we talk to our lawyer.
You're gonna be sorry you ever messed with Stanley Yelnats.
- Let me see that. - Don't grab it.
- Why not? - You're gonna make 'em angry.
Would you like a piece of cake? How about a little cup of coffee?
Now that is a fine pair of shoes.
Could I smell your shoe? How about ifyou take your shoe off...
- Check the bedroom. - Where are you going?
This warrant isn't warranted. This'll never hold up in court.
Here it is. Look what we got.
We share the room. How do you know that's not mine?
- Which bed is yours? - Don't answer.
- We have the right to remain silent. - Wouldn't that be nice.
I sleep here.
It's all because ofyour no-good, dirty-rotten pig-stealin' great-great-grandfather.
- There's no curse on this family. - There is on the men.
- If only, if only, the woodpecker sighs... - Please don't sing that song.
-..on the tree was as soft as the sky... - Please don't sing that. Not at my table.
Ma, relax. I don't believe in the curse anyways.
- We're gonna need a good lawyer. - We can't afford a lawyer.
We don't need a lawyer. Stanley will just tell the truth.
Stanley Yelnats, please rise.
Stanley Yelnats lV.
Sit down.
I could send you to jail and I would not lose one bit of sleep over it.
But I don't know what good that would do.
There is currently a vacancy at Camp Green Lake.
They help troubled youth build character.
The choice is yours.
Camp Green Lake or jail.
- I've never been to camp before. - 18 months, Camp Green Lake, son.
Thanks for the ride.
Fresh meat.
So, where's the lake?
What did I just tell you? Don't be a wise guy. Follow me.
Sit down.
What's with the sunflower seeds?
I give up smoking.
Stanley Yelnats.
- The Fourth? - Yeah.
Everyone in my family names their son Stanley cos it's Yelnats backwards.
It's this little...
It's a tradition.
My name is Mr Sir.
Whenever you speak to me, you will call me by my name. Is that clear?
Yes, Mr Sir.
- You think that's funny? - No, Mr Sir.
This isn't a Girl Scout camp. You understand?
Here.
You're a bag of tricks.
Thanks.
- You thirsty, Stanley? - Yes, Mr Sir.
You better get used to it. You gonna be thirsty for the next 18 months.
Look around you, Yelnats. What do you see?
Any guard towers?
How about an electric fence?
No, Mr Sir.
You wanna run away? Go ahead, start running.
I won't stop you.
- I'm warning you! - You heard the man, Stench.
Don't worry.
This is for yellow-spotted lizards. I wouldn't waste a bullet on you.
- I'm not gonna run away, Mr Sir. - Good thinking. Nobody runs away.
You know why? We got the only water for 100 miles. Our own little oasis.
You wanna run away? Them buzzards'll pick you clean by the end ofthe third day.
Hi, Mr Sir.
Undress.
You get two sets of clothes. One for work, one for relaxation.
After three days, your work clothes are washed and your second set is for work.
- Is that clear? - Yes, Mr Sir.
You are to dig one hole each day.
Five foot deep, five foot in diameter.
Your shovel is your measuring stick.
The longer it takes you to dig, the longer you'll be out in the hot sun.
Sorry, Mr Sir.
You need to keep alert for lizards and rattlesnakes.
- Rattlesnakes? - Don't bother them,
they won't bother you usually.
Being bit by a rattler ain't the worst thing that can happen to you.
You won't die, usually.
But you don't wanna get bit by a yellow-spotted lizard.
That is the worst thing that can happen to you.
You will die - a slow and painful death.
Always.
Stanley Yelnats.
I just want you to know that you may have done some bad things,
but that does not make you a bad kid.
I respect you, Stanley.
Welcome to Camp Green Lake. I'm Dr Pendanski, your counsellor.
Start that touchy-feely crap, I'm outta here.
Give him some towels. Tokens. Set him up.
You'll be in D-tent. D stands for "diligence".
That's the mess hall. There's the rec room and the showers.
There's only one knob cos there's only one temperature - cold.
That's the warden's cabin over there. That's the no. 1 rule at Camp Green Lake.
- Do not upset the warden. - Yeah. He seemed...
Who?
Mr Sir? He's not the warden.
He's just been in a bad mood since he quit smokin'.
Hey, Mom.
- Who's the Neanderthal? - This is Stanley.
So what's happenin' with Barfbag?
Lewis won't be returning. He's still in the hospital.
Stanley, meet Rex, Alan and Theodore.
Hi.
My name is X-Ray. That's Squid. That's Armpit.
- Him, he's Mom. - They all have their little nicknames.
I prefer to use the names their parents gave them.
The names society will recognise them by.
Theodore, why don't we show Stanley his cot?
Go ahead, Pit.
Welcome to your new home, Stanley.
- Barfbag slept here. - Keep your bed clean.
Hey, I'm Magnet. That's Zigzag.
Hi.
What did I say about leaving that there?
This is Zero.
Say hello to Stanley, Zero.
You wanna know why they call him Zero?
Cos there's nothin' goin' on in his stupid little head.
- Did you tell him about the lizards? - Ricky, let's not scare Stanley.
His name's not Ricky. It's Zigzag.
Stanley, ifyou have any questions, ask Theodore. He will be your mentor.
- You got that, Theodore? - Yeah. Whatever, dude.
I'm depending on you.
It should be no labour to be nice to your neighbour.
Theodore, is there a place where I can fill my canteen up with water?
My name is not Theodore.
It's Armpit.
There's a water spigot over there.
Pit, why you gotta be so mean for?
I ain't mean, I'm his mentor. Ain't that what I'm supposed to do?
Thanks, Armpit.
Man, whatever.
Today's menu is chilli, string beans, refried beans, garbanzo beans,
green beans and banana Jell-O.
Stanley, come here. This is where you sit. Sit down.
- Hey, yo, new kid. - I see you didn't dig today.
So you wouldn't mind giving up your bread to somebody who did?
No, you can have it.
- What did they get you for? - Stealing a pair of shoes.
- From the store or off someone's feet? - He killed the dude first.
You left out that detail.
- They were Clyde Livingston's shoes. - Sweetfeet?
You did not steal Clyde Livingston Sweetfeet's shoes.
It was the World Series cleats.
How did you get 'em? He's the fastest guy in the Majors.
Only guy to hit four triples in one game.
Clyde Livingston donated his shoes to this homeless shelter.
Did they have red Xs on 'em?
- You got Zero to talk. - What else can you do, Zero?
Yeah. Yeah, they did.
Tell us something of your background, Mr Livingston.
Besides the fact that it was your donated shoes that were stolen,
what other connection might you have with this case?
I was an orphan.
I grew up in that home.
I don't understand what type of person steals from homeless children.
You're no fan of mine.
It's all because ofyour no-good, dirty-rotten pig-stealin' great-great-grandfather.
That's who sealed our destiny.
Why do you think none of his inventions work?
Pa!
- I learn from failure. - Doesn't matter how smart you are.
You need luck - something we ain't got.
What about your father, Stanley Yelnats l?
You told me he made a fortune in the stock market.
- Some luck. - He lost everything.
He was robbed by Kissin' Kate Barlow.
Get on up outta there.
Give me your loot.
Are you kiddin' me? She kiss him?
No, she only kissed the men she killed.
What you got down there?
Pass it up. Come on.
She left him stranded in the desert.
Come on, boys. Let's ride.
No water, no food for 16 days.
If she'd kissed him, she'd have killed him. You'd've never been born.
Smiling faces.
The early mole digs the deepest hole.
Shovels on the left, tortillas on the right! Let's go!
OK, come and get it. Let's go. Come on, Magnet. Open them peepers.
Let's go, let's go.
Head's still on the pillow. This ain't no dreamland, diddles. This is reality.
Let's go!
Hey, man. You picked the bestest shovel.
It's shorter than the rest of them.
Smaller shovel, smaller hole.
This isn't a Girl Scout camp. Nobody's gonna baby-sit you.
Dig here. Ifyou find anything interesting,
you are to report it to me or Pendanski.
Ifthe warden likes what you find, you get the rest ofthe day off.
What am I looking for, Mr Sir?
You're not looking for anything. You're building character.
You take a bad boy. Make him dig holes all day in the hot sun,
and it turns him into a good boy.
That's our philosophy here at Camp Green Lake.
Start diggin'.
One down. Ten million to go.
Can you throw that in another pile? It's gettin' in my hole.
Shut up.
Watch where you're throwing your dirt, Stanley.
It was all because of your no-good, dirty-rotten
pig-stealin' great-great-grandfather, Elya Yelnats.
It started in a little village in Latvia.
He was shovelling in Morris Menke's barn
when Myra, his beautiful daughter, walked by. And that was it.
So what does your great-great-grandfather do?
He goes to a fortune-teller, a Madame Zeroni, for advice.
- All you think about is Myra Menke. - I know.
That's when our troubles began.
Listen to Madame Zeroni.
You should go to America. That's where my son is.
That's your future. Not Myra Menke.
Her head's as empty as a flowerpot.
Mr Menke, I would like your permission to marry your daughter.
You too?
Igor Barkov has offered his fattest pig for her.
What do you got?
A heart full of love.
- He's just a boy. - I'd rather have a fat pig.
Boris Menke is a schmuck.
OK. Here's what you do.
Take the little one.
- But this solves nothing. - So it will grow.
Every day, you carry the pig up the mountain.
Make it drink the water from the stream while you sing:
If only, if only, the woodpecker sighs
The bark on the tree was as soft as the skies
While the wolfwaits below, hungry and lonely
He cries to the moon
If only, if only
Every day, the pig will get fatter.
And you will get stronger.
Now, after you give the pig to Menke,
you must carry Madame Zeroni up the mountain,
and sing while I drink, so I can get strong too.
But, ifyou forget to come back for Madame Zeroni,
you and your family will be cursed for always and eternity.
- Get some water, dawg. - My God.
- First hole's the hardest, right? - Let's go.
- What you doin'? Get to your place in line. - Keep your hands off of me.
How'd it go, your first day, Yelnats? Got some blisters on ya?
- Big fat blisters. - Yeah.
Don't worry. Everything turns to callus eventually. That's life.
Next.
Myra. Who do you choose?
Igor Barkov or Elya Yelnats?
You want me to decide.
That's right, my blossom.
Gee, I don't know.
- Which pig weighs more? - They are the same.
I know!
I will think of a number between one and ten.
OK. I'm ready.
Marry lgor. You can keep my pig as wedding present.
Two pigs for one daughter!
You done already?
Don't you know? He's the fastest digger in the camp.
He's a mole. I think he eats the dirt.
Yeah, he's a weird dude.
Moles don't eat dirt. Worms eat dirt.
So that was it.
He took Madame Zeroni's advice and went to America, like her son.
But the dummy forgot to go back and carry Madame Zeroni up the mountain.
Ifyou forget to come back for Madame Zeroni,
you and your family will be cursed for always and eternity.
Somebody help me!
Anybody up there?
I'm done with my hole now.
God.
Don't move.
Get your stuff.
Get yourself a good sleep, son.
- Yes, sir. - Yeah.
Oh, my God.
- What colour was its blood? - I don't know. I couldn't tell.
I wish I'd have seen it.
- If Mr Sir didn't shoot it... - Stanley, you'd be in the hole.
Did you know each one's got exactly 1 1 spots?
Yeah, man. But ifyou ever get close enough to count 'em, you're dead.
It's the lizards we're working for. We buildin' houses for 'em.
- Yesterday I saw ten of 'em in one hole. - We ain't diggin' for no lizards.
- What we diggin' for, then? - Like Mr Sir said, to build some character.
Come on, Magnet. Wake up, buddy.
Dear Mom. I'm having a wonderful time at camp.
The food's great. Not as good as yours, of course, but I like it.
We've been out on the lake all day.
Where does a person go to the bathroom?
Pick a hole. Any hole.
Once I pass the swimming test, I get to learn how to water-ski.
- I made lots of friends. - You're goin' to hell, for sure.
And the water is cool and refreshing.
You'd like my counsellor. He's a doctor.
Smells like puke from a mule been ruminatin' on asparagus for two weeks.
And I'm really enjoying the wildlife.
Rent time. Pay up.
The other boys aren't bad kids.
Like me, they were just in the wrong place at the wrong time.
That's it for now, Ma. Say hi to Dad and Grandpa for me.
Love, your son, Stanley.
- Who you writin' to? - Give me the letter.
- You miss your mommy and daddy? - I don't want them to worry.
They don't care. Believe me, they're glad to be rid ofyou.
Found somethin'.
- It's a fossil. - That's interesting.
- Do I get the day off? - What?
Mr Sir said that if I found something interesting, I get the day off.
Stanley, the warden isn't interested in fossils.
- Let me see that. - What is it?
Look at the little fishies.
It looks like those cave pictures.
Probably ain't nothing.
Fossil. I think Stanley belongs in a cave.
I told you he was a Neanderthal the first time I saw him.
- Guess there was a lake out here once? - It was a town, too.
The warden's grandfather owned the lake
and half the town.
Get your sweet, sweet, magical onions.
Get your elixirs, health potions, onion tonics.
Onions. Get your onions here, folks.
God's own chosen vegetable.
Nature's magic vegetables right here, folks.
- Mr Collingwood, let me see your head. - My head?
Yes, sir.
That's what I thought. I got exactly what you need.
Rub this on his head every night, Mrs Collingwood.
Before you know it, his hair is gonna be as long and thick as Mary Lou's mane.
Thank you, Sam.
The ancient Egyptians knew the secrets ofthe onions.
How its potent juices can cure stomachaches and toothaches,
measles and mumps, rheumatism, haemorrhoids.
Ifyou don't believe me, just ask Mary Lou.
All she eats is onions, and she's almost a hundred.
How would you know, Sam? You're not a day over 25.
Nature's magic vegetable, Miss Katherine.
I don't care how much gold is back there, I ain't goin' back without some lizard juice.
See your friend wasn't so smart. Too bad he didn't know
yellow-spotted lizards don't like my onion juice.
Get your sweet onions, folks.
Health potions, lizard oils, onion tonics, cure-alls.
For you, Miss Katherine, I have this special bag of onions.
- Thank you. And your peaches. - Thank you.
Sometimes I think Green Lake, Texas, is heaven on earth.
Those peaches are the work of an angel.
I like peaches.
Come on, boys.
- Buy you a drink, Sheriff? - Buy me two.
That was some lame crap you pulled.
What?
You ever find anything, give it to me. You understand?
I've been here for over six months and never found anything. No one has.
Why should you get a day off when you just got here?
It's only fair. Right?
- Right? - Right.
That's what I call an informed decision, dawg.
- What you doin'? I'm watchin' that. - Not today, you ain't.
You broke it.
- Watch it. - You watch it, man.
What did you say to me?
Sorry, man. I didn't mean to hit you.
You're a dead man.
Hey, hey! Just chill, Caveman, a'ight?
Start a fight now, the warden'll come down hard on all of us. Just relax.
Just keep that punk away from me.
It's a'ight, guy. It's all good.
- Here's your tunes. - Don't look at him. He's crazy.
- Hey. Nobody messes with the Caveman. - Did you see the Caveman back there?
I don't wanna mess with anybody.
- Hey, you comin', Caveman? - Hey, Caveman.
What?
"Caveman."
So I'm Caveman?
It's better than Barfbag.
Come on, little fishies. Get your lake water.
You get it?
Lake water. It's a joke. Sometimes I crack myself up.
- You here now, Caveman, a'ight? - Let's go, fellas.
- Move up, fool. - When you movin' me up?
- Can I start now, Your Highness? - Yes, Mr Sir.
- What about you, Jose? What do you like? - I like animals.
That's what got Magnet sent here in the first place.
It's criminal the way they keep 'em locked up in cages.
- No, Jose, what you did was criminal. - Tell 'em, Magnet.
They wanted a thousand bucks for just one puppy.
- What? - Yeah!
I woulda made it out if my pocket didn't start barking.
You boys get one life.
So far, you've done a pretty good job of screwing it up.
So, you're Caveman now.
Big shot. Got a nickname.
Well, let me tell you somethin', "Caveman".
You are here on account of one person.
- You know who that person is? - Yeah.
My no-good, dirty rotten, pig-stealin', great-great-grandfather, that's who it is.
No. You screwed your life up, Stanley Yelnats.
And it's up to you to fix it. It's not gonna be easy.
But you'd be surprised what you can accomplish once you set your mind to it.
Even Zero here isn't completely worthless.
What about you, Zero?
What do you like to do?
- You just won't talk with me, will you? - He only talks to Caveman.
You think you're better than all this?
I like diggin' holes.
Then you're in the right place for it, buddy boy.
My dearest Stanley. Your letters make me feel like one ofthe other moms
who can afford to send their kids to summer camp.
Your father thinks he's real close to a breakthrough.
I hope so, cos the landlord is threatening to evict us because ofthe odour.
You are an insult to the chemistry of smell.
- I am going to boil that with cross-trainers. - Don't do that!
I feel so sorry for the old lady who lived in the shoe
cos it must have smelled real bad.
- What are you laughin' at? - Just somethin' my mom wrote.
She said "l feel sorry for the little old lady who lived in the shoe
cos it must have smelled really bad."
You know, like the nursery rhyme.
I feel really awkward with you reading over my shoulder like that, so...
I can't read.
Can you teach me?
I'm not really a good teacher.
And I get tired from diggin' all day so I just want to come back and chill, you know?
Just relax.
See ya in there?
Look at this guy.
Armpit, put it down. Put it down!
Hey, look. A cloud.
- Where? - Right there.
- Maybe it'll move in front of the sun. - Come on, little cloud. You can do it.
Please. All I'm askin' for is just a little shade.
Warden owns the shade.
Maybe we'll get lucky. Maybe we'll get some clouds.
It'll rain for 40 days and 40 nights.
Then we have to build an ark and get two of each animal.
Yeah, two scorpions, two rattlesnakes, two yellow-spotted lizards.
What you got there, Caveman?
- What? - What you got there?
I don't know.
Hey, X. I think I might have found somethin'.
- Let me see that. - What do you think?
- Looks like a old shotgun shell. - It's too skinny to be a shotgun shell.
Yeah, it's not a shotgun shell.
See that little heart? You see that? With the letters in it?
- "KB". That's what it is. - Let me see it.
- KB? - Yeah, that's Keith Berringer.
- Man, who's that? - He was in my math class.
Good thinking, Zigzag. It must belong to him, huh?
Yeah, it must belong to him.
I'm gonna go show it to Mom. Maybe I'll get the rest ofthe day off.
Rest ofthe day off? No, no, your hole's already dug.
I'm not even close. I'm gonna be out here all day.
Yeah, so?
So, why don't you...
Why don't you turn it in tomorrow? Give it to Mom in the morning.
Then you get the whole day off.
That's good thinking, Caveman.
I like it.
Pretty smart, Caveman. Pretty smart.
There you are, Rex.
- Good morning, Theodore. - Man, it's Armpit.
I don't know no fool named Theodore, a'ight?
- I don't know no fool named Armpit. - Whatever.
There's your water, whoever you are.
Hey, Mom. I think I found something.
Come here for a second. I think I found something.
Looks like a golden bullet or something, doesn't it?
- It's nice. I get the day off now? - You might. We're gonna call the warden.
Hey, Lou? You better get down here. I think we got something.
We got somethin' nice.
Man.
Right over there.
- This where you found it? - Yes, ma'am.
Doctor Pendanski, drive X-Ray back to camp.
Give him double shower tokens and a snack.
But first, fill everyone's canteen.
I already filled them.
- Excuse me? - I had filled them when you drove up.
Excuse me? Did I ask you when you last filled 'em?
- No, you didn't, but... - Excuse me.
These fine boys have been workin' hard.
Don't you think it might be possible they have taken a drink
since you filled their canteens?
- It's possible. - It's possible, is it?
Caveman. Come over here, please.
Get over there. Come on over. Come on over.
Now, did you by any chance take a drink since he filled your canteen?
No. I'm fine. I have plenty.
Excuse me?
I might have drinken some.
Thank you.
May I have your canteen, please?
God.
- Can you hear the empty spaces? - Yes, I can hear.
Fill it. If that's too much trouble, you can grab a shovel
and Caveman here can fill the canteens.
All right! Armpit. Squid. Get them wheelbarrows outta the truck.
Zero, you take over X-Ray's hole. Caveman will assist you.
We're gonna dig this dirt twice.
Y'all be good now, hear?
- Get C and F over here. - C and F over here.
Come on, boys, let's see it. Use those muscles.
Keep it up.
This is a special day. I got a good feelin' about today.
There you go. I'm feelin' some double shower tokens, boys.
- There'll be steaks for dinner tonight. - Keep it up.
You're doin' fine.
No hurry. We don't want to miss anything.
Nope, don't wanna miss nothin'.
Check every rock. Make sure it's a real rock.
Caveman. Let's go.
- How'd she know my name? - She's got the whole place wired.
She's got these little tiny microphones and cameras all over the place.
She's got 'em in the rec room. She's got 'em in the tent.
- She's got 'em in the showers. - They're not in the showers.
Don't listen to him. I read his file. It says he suffers from acute paranoia.
Hey, so that means she watches me every day, huh?
Man said she got cameras and microphones.
- Not microscopes. - Get out of here!
OK, children, come back first thing in the morning. Rain or shine, we'll have school.
Put your cap on!
Bye, Miss Katherine.
Hello, Miss Katherine.
Hello, Sam.
I thought you might still want some onions.
Thank you.
I can fix that.
Sam, are you gonna tell me now that your onions are a cure for a leaky roof?
No. I'm just good with my hands.
I built my own boat, you know. I needed to get across the lake to my onion field.
Then I guess you'd be in real trouble ifyour boat leaked.
I tell you what, I'll fix that roof
in exchange for three jars ofyour spiced peaches.
It's a deal.
Well, Miss Katherine, I guarantee that roof for five years.
If there's anything else...
The windows won't open and the children and I would enjoy a breeze now and then.
I can fix that.
"And this maiden, she lived with no other thought
than to love and be loved by me."
"She was a child and I was a child
in this kingdom by the sea."
"But we loved with..."
"With a love that was more than love,
I and my Annabel Lee."
Sam.
You know, that door doesn't hang straight.
I can fix that.
"The duck swims on the lake."
- Very good, Mr Peck. - Thank you, ma'am.
The duck may swim on the lake
but my daddy owns the lake.
That will be all for tonight. Thankyou, class, you're dismissed.
Hey, Katherine.
How about me and you having a little picnic?
- Take a ride on my motorboat. - No, thank you, Mr Walker.
It's brand-new. You don't even have to row it.
No, thank you.
Come on now, girl. Hey. No one ever says no to Trout Walker.
I believe I just did.
We're digging around, all around, then we're digging toward the centre, see?
That's how we do it.
Today's the day. I can feel it.
The ancient Mesopotamians didn't have shovels.
Glad to have you back, X-Ray. We can use your sharp eyes.
- Hello, Warden. - Ma'am, I think I found something.
Are you trying to be funny or do you just think I'm stupid?
- No, ma'am. I wasn't trying to be funny. - Excuse me?
Armpit, your little joke just cost you a week of shower privileges.
All right. Everyone back to work.
- You sleeping outside. - You heard her. Back to work!
- Aside from that, everything's going well. - I don't think so. I want results.
Sam, this is the finest schoolhouse in all of Texas. Thank you.
Thank you, Miss Katherine.
I can fix that.
Four days.
Four long days, and this is all you jackasses got to show for it.
Probably nothing down there. Would have found it by now.
- I wouldn't tell the queen bee that. - I ain't on stupid pills.
What are you jawing about?
Ifyou can't get 'em to dig any faster, grab a shovel and join 'em! How 'bout that, huh?
Get to work. This ain't no kindergarteners in the sandbox! I want to see some effort.
Or I'll put a hurt on ya.
I ain't just whistling "Bye-bye, Sue" neither.
I am surrounded by cow turds.
Stop it! Stop it!
Why are you doin' this?
Do something!
Yeah, girl! How do you like me now?
Sheriff! Sheriff!
Come quick. They're destroying the school.
Give me a kiss.
- You kissed the onion picker. - You're drunk.
I always get drunk before a hanging.
Ifyou hang him, then you better hang me too
because I kissed him back.
It ain't against the lawforyou to kiss him. Just for him to kiss you.
Sam! Sam!
Sam!
Sam.
Listen up.
Afterthe behaviour exhibited these past several days,
the warden and I have decided that your character-building will be best served
by returning to the digging of individual holes.
- Over to you. - All right. Let's go dig, boys.
Let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go!
Morning, Sheriff.
You still want that kiss?
Water's the most precious commodity on the planet. All life begins with water.
So, think of it this way. I'm giving you life.
- Say thank you. - Thank you, Mr Sir.
Next.
Don't get your hopes up. Them storms never make it past the mountains.
Maybe this time they will.
I got a story for you Girl Scouts.
Once upon a time, there was a magical place where it never rained.
The end.
I don't get it.
Have a nice day.
I never get anything he says.
- Hey, guys. - What?
Anybody want some sunflower seeds?
I can't help it, man. My hands are like magnets.
Mr Sticky Fingers.
I'll take some of those.
Zig, come on, hurry up.
Guys, Mr Sir's coming back. He's coming back.
- Catch it. - Stanley, you butterfingers.
- He's coming back. - Better hide it.
Well, well.
- How did this get here? - What?
How did that get there? Did it fall from the sky, huh?
No.
I stole it out ofyour truck.
Maybe the warden would like to see what you found.
Let's go.
- Y'all having a nice day? - Yes, Mr Sir.
Hey, what are you doing, dawg?
See what turns up.
- What? - We found something in Caveman's hole.
What is it? What did you find?
Come in, you're letting the cold out.
Tell her.
While Mr Sir was filling our canteens,
I snuck into his truck and stole his sunflower seeds.
Yeah. That's it.
Caveman, would you kindly bring me the brass case in the bureau over there,
- with my nail polish in it? - Yeah. Sure.
Them little diddles think I don't have eyes in the back of my head.
But I don't miss much, as you well know.
My philosophy is, see, I keep 'em in line.
Punishment and reward.
Punishment, reward.
Every time they see me coming, a little shiver goes up their spine.
D-tent's a snaky little bunch, you know.
They think they're a step ahead of me, but I'm miles ahead ofthem.
I come back at night, I look around, I see in their eyes they know I know.
Come right over here, son.
- There you go. - Thank you.
See this, Caveman?
This is my special nail polish.
I make it myself. You want to know my secret ingredient?
Rattlesnake venom.
I just love what it does to the colouring.
It's perfectly harmless
when it's dry.
So you think he stole your sunflower seeds?
No, I don't. He's covering for X-Ray or somebody.
It was a five-pound sack and he claims to have eaten it all.
But it was only half full when I got it. And there's a lot in my hole. You could check.
I will. I will check your...
All I give you is respect and affection.
I suggest you go back to your hole now.
- Why'd you do that, Lou? - I liked you better when you smoked.
- Hey, look who showed up. - We thought you were dead.
Caveman, what did you say?
Nothing.
- What did she do to you? - Nothing.
- Nothing? - Yeah. She didn't do nothing.
What is this?
Thank you, guys. Man!
- Don't look at us. - It was Zero.
That boy likes to dig holes.
He'd dig a hole to China.
- Where do Chinese kids dig to? - Shut up.
Hey, Zero. Why did you dig my hole, man?
- You didn't steal the sunflower seeds. - Yeah, but neither did you.
You didn't steal the shoes.
You still want to learn to read?
All right, man.
I don't like no hocus-pocus. $14 for onions. We don't need no stinkin' onions.
- You told me to get onions. - I want to taste it.
- Go ahead and taste it. - I'll taste it then.
What happened to your face?
Something the matter with my face?
No. No, Mr Sir.
You got that right.
Anybody see anything wrong with my face? Huh?
- I think I'm kinda purty, don't you? - Yes, sir.
Clean this up.
I think we've just learned a valuable lesson.
We're all people.
And Mr Sir is a very sensitive man. Just like all of us.